This is more of an admission for me to get through the next journey rather than a confession to the world. Although both serve as a realization for me. I’ve grappled with feeling like a failure to wondering what the next steps are for me on my journey. However recently, I had what I call a soul reminder. We all need those in life. Even when we’ve already set goals for ourselves, sometimes we need to make sure we are fully self-aware and a reminder as to why you are completing this journey.
We get so caught up on the what, the how and the where. But what about the why? Why is this happening? What purpose are you trying to fulfill? Once you can answer that, everything else becomes even more clear. Anyway, I am getting off base on the answer as to why I left New York City, the concrete jungle of opportunity.
Imagine growing up with a burning desire that doesn’t ever leave your chest. I’ll call it a calling. Maybe you’ve had it all your life or maybe you discovered it without even realizing it. The point is, you’ve had this calling to do something and that desire is causing you to want to answer this call. Our callings are different so there’s a chance you may have put it on the back burner in fear of back lash or telling yourself the lie that it can’t be done.
However, the desire doesn’t leave you. It almost haunts you every day as it lingers like a whisper in your ear. You’ve tried to ignore it but no matter what you do, you still can hear this calling. You’ve told it to shut up and you might have even bad mouthed it to the point where you start believing it’s not worth it. That it’s easier to just ignore it and continue with your daily routine. It’s better to be safe and have a false sense of accomplishment rather than going out there and just maybe even achieving what you’ve sought to do for years. Even if you aren’t successful initially or at all, at least you didn’t try to fill that void through another concocted lie. If you failed you were amazing at failing! You failed and you failed hard. The thing about failure is that it doesn’t happen once and our fear of failing is such an illusion and it is what can hold you back from really going after what is calling to you.
In fact, failure should be welcomed because in the end, God, the universe or whatever energetic entity you believe in will provide an answer for you. Unfortunately, a large number of people will never find that answer because they don’t want to receive it. For those of you who are familiar with that calling whispering to you that won’t go away understands what it’s like when you’re fed up on continuing to push it aside. In 2012, I made a promise to myself that I was going to finally answer the call and not take no for an answer.
It consumed me and nothing or no one was going to stop me from reaching my goal. After arriving in New York City and feeling that surge of energy throughout my body that made me smile from inside out, the invisible hands from probably an upside-down universe that I felt pushing me to succeed with no questions asked. Pushing and pushing and pushing. Until one day I got the feeling of being pushed to the edge instead of being pushed toward my dream, falling into the abyss never being able to get out.
Instead of euphoria I felt pain and suddenly, the days of my life were running on autopilot. I was becoming numb to it all. The whisper of the calling in my ear was getting quieter and quieter as days went on. I didn’t hear my calling because I was focused too much on surviving and saving relationships with others and even myself. I say with myself because I didn’t even recognize the person I had become.
It got to the point to where I almost lost the sound of the voice completely. As I sat in the dark of my cold room and saw two tiny rodents scurrying across the floor, I knew at that time that it was time for me to move on. I can remember the day as if it were yesterday. Beyond it being comical and almost ironic that I was sitting in my 6th overpriced apartment in New York and yet still not being able to get a decent place with no infestations, it was symbolic. So I left to hear that voice again and to feel burning desire in my chest. I wanted to feel revived and feel alive again.
I made a vow to myself that I will never allow that voice to even come close to leaving me ever again. It’s here and it’s here to stay. As someone wise once told me, allow me to reintroduce myself. The journey isn’t over, it’s just beginning.